Timely election coverage...
Canadian
Election Poll Results
By
Robert Dayton
The
latest election poll results project that Stephen Harper is in the lead,
according to a polling firm run by The Harper Government, with the less
comfortable seats going to the other parties to scramble and fight over.
However, a recent, more independent (and much more independently minded) poll
suggests that Gnah The Conqueror, an eight foot warrior composed of factory
outlet carpet samples, is in the lead due to the public being drawn into his
combination of fear and cuddliness. That was five minutes ago. Gnah The
Conqueror has just fallen slightly in the polls, but don’t worry, he is not in
physical pain thanks to his well insulated body. Now a shiny set of keys has
quietly nudged up as the preference to run Canada, a country composed of three
syllables. I am trying to grab the shiny set of keys for investigative
purposes. Just when I get close, the shiny set of keys gets pulled away at the
last second. And that’s what it is down to with these predictions: seconds. And
even thirds for the more politically hungry.
Where
does this election data come from? Many a small child has asked that question
while precariously perched on their surrogate Mother’s knee. The projected data
is selected from a range of sources including reading tea leaves –switching to
decaf in the evening as otherwise they’d be up all night thinking about
candidates- as well as select supermarket produce section bump-ins which prove
that shoppers unfairly prefer the candidate with the most teeth. Random
calculations are made using lots of stuff (ie. time travel scenarios). This
data is then professionally analyzed as ‘deeply troubled’ and sent to Vince in
Shipping who winks, says “I’m rubber stamping it!” and proceeds to ignore it.
Strategic voter sites then use the data with the largest font possible
declaring, “STAY INFORMED!”
Update:
currently a large soft serve ice cream cone has overtaken the shiny set of keys
in the polls. This could change at any moment with the ice cream melting down
my arm and summer becoming but a distant memory. Oh wait. Hold that. Thanks. We
are receiving conclusive data that over-rides all other data like a monster
truck crushing a long row of cars. The victor will be ‘white guy.’ It’s always
‘white guy.’
