Friday got off to a roaring start when my whole body ached from allergies. As well as the brain fog of congestion. Tis the season. I did not want to leave my bed. Day job said, "Yes, you gotta."
Go East on the bike amidst clanging construction and closed off sections and other calamities of the morning.
Note to cyclists: please be careful, you are meat.
Red and white are so striking, such bold colours. Especially striking when they force one into another lane lest ye be killed or maimed. This was a very large Coca-cola truck. At the red light I pulled up to it on my beaten white bike and made obscene gestures. The driver mocked being scared. A little man at the wheel of a very imposing and dangerous vehicle. I biked around and pulled up to his side and yelled how he could have killed me if I hadn't driven defensively. He ignored me and pulled away on the green light. In the heat of the moment my body was so filled with rage and fear that I'd forgotten to take his information down. If only, if only.
Arriving at my work place, I Googled 'Coca Cola' and 'Toronto' and called the most appropriate phone number that popped up anyways. Why? Because I obsess on such matters, I can't just let it go. Oh no! Setting this call in motion, I was given the run-around. Each phone number that I dialed gave me a new phone number to call like the heads of Hydra.This happened six times. I was not going to give up, even though this run-around now equaled the frustration of the incident itself, even though I was now nowhere near any physical peril. It truly showed me that this corporation is faceless and nasty. This time it was personal. By the way, my co-workers are wonderful and were concerned for my well being.
When I reached the right person she told me to call the number on the pop can next time. I rarely drink their 'health tonic' to have these cans laying about within reach. It offers no benefit, except for when I need caffeine and there is no coffee around to be had. I have a peculiar admiration for this company, that they have become such a behemoth with such a useless and harmful product. As an apology she told me that she was going to send me two cases of their 'health tonic.' What to do with it? How many nails, coins, and baby teeth can I watch dissolve with that much Coca Cola?
Listen to this man's soothing accent:
The day continued. Checked out a few nasty Youtube comments aimed at my person. Politely replied with my tongue politely planted in cheek. Continued the tasks at hand at my job. Then five o' clock hit. All I wanted was slumber. And once home I got my slumber.Perhaps I could start over when refreshed?
Upon awakening from my nap I thought that it may be best to leave the house and be social. Everywhere, at each new place that I approached, were grim reminders. I saw a woman who would have dated me if I wasn't too old for her: hey, at least she was honest. A sweet gal. (age disparity is another topic for another time) A few 'fine, don't say hi' kind of women speckled here and there and if they did ask how I was after my "Hi, how are you?", they didn't wait for a response. They don't matter. A woman who had invited me to a gallery opening last week but wouldn't send another message telling me where it was- did she avoid my eye contact on the street? Two maybe three women who I had been on dates with and nothing had happened then dissipation. Why? I don't know. Including a woman who felt terrible about not returning my phone call or calls, it was either one or two before I gave up.
I had to get out of the final destination even though I was amongst wonderful friends. Perhaps if all of these reminders hadn't come at me I could have enjoyed the company of wonderful friends and not gotten all hung up. One wonderful friend told me how he has confidence in some areas and lacks confidence in others. I relate. Must simultaneously balance and up the humility and confidence levels.
I wandered to another place where a gorgeous woman who did not want to trade contact info approached me. We coyly sparred while a female friend looked on and rolled her eyes at some of the things I'd say like it was self-sabotage. Hell, maybe it was. I started taking the eye rolls a tad too personally. Home to bed.
This eve was a grim reminder, it said too much about what my romantic life feels like in Toronto. One fraught with rejection (natch, I utterly and conveniently forget some of the good experiences I've had with interesting women, the self-pity machine starts its' hum). I felt- I feel- like there is something wrong with me. I'd love to know what. Or is it the city? Perhaps I wouldn't have felt this way if I hadn't had such bad allergies, almost collided with a truck, experienced such a tidy progression of these women (just one might not have set me off so much). The day before I was all, "Fuggit, my basic needs are met" and then this day, this Friday, set me off and I became trapped within myself. How much of this is ego? Because I've lived a good life, been spoiled, and am an endowed sexual being (oh yes, I have to freely state that), I take umbrage and get in a bit of a huff. Part of it may be loneliness.Yet Thursday I was all "Fuggit, I have a cat." I can't wait to get back to that feeling again. I will soon. Yet I don't want to turn into a monk.
Everyone is so insanely flighty. And I really should not pursue these wretched flighty things. I will no longer pursue (not that I did all that much, I don't get obsessed anymore and have more self-respect than I used to). I will not offer up unless requested. (This didn't stop me from getting all eager and giving my e mail to someone on Sunday though, did it?) I've paid my dues, lived a good life, fallen in love a few times, dated plenty...in other cities than this one: this one where it feels like a sort of curse. Maybe I should be more thankful of the life that I have lived. (it sounds like my romantic life is over, hell, maybe it is...who knows? Last time I felt like that I stepped into a three year committed relationship a mere three months after the last one....more will be revealed...who knows what will happen and who has the atomic bomb?) I have learned a lot about myself these past few months, had to face painful things and do the personal work. And have plenty more to learn: maybe I'm still not ready and maybe that's obvious. If I was a sociopath that wouldn't matter (see: confidence).
On Saturday I go off to a wedding of a friend, an immigrant who once asked me how one can meet people in Toronto. I told him that you don't. He did. He told me that I can bring a date. I go alone.
I recently gave a female friend advice. That men are too scared of approaching women in Toronto for fear of being shut down and that is because women shut men down here. (I coach in generalizations) I told her that if she approaches men she'll do just fine. And also note: if men are shocked by this approach, it might not be rejection, they just need time to absorb the shock, many are oblivious (case in point: I am so oblivious). She'll do fine.
What is my place? I know I must help others where needed, to give people a sense of wonder, to smile at strangers.
But maybe after that I am simply supposed to completely, utterly fuck with people for fun and pleasure. I think I will. I can't take any of these people seriously. There are a lot of people trying to be taken seriously in Toronto (and elsewhere...and anywhere) and it's very hard to take that seriously.
This is better than being guarded, there's enough of that out there.
Go East on the bike amidst clanging construction and closed off sections and other calamities of the morning.
Note to cyclists: please be careful, you are meat.
Red and white are so striking, such bold colours. Especially striking when they force one into another lane lest ye be killed or maimed. This was a very large Coca-cola truck. At the red light I pulled up to it on my beaten white bike and made obscene gestures. The driver mocked being scared. A little man at the wheel of a very imposing and dangerous vehicle. I biked around and pulled up to his side and yelled how he could have killed me if I hadn't driven defensively. He ignored me and pulled away on the green light. In the heat of the moment my body was so filled with rage and fear that I'd forgotten to take his information down. If only, if only.
Arriving at my work place, I Googled 'Coca Cola' and 'Toronto' and called the most appropriate phone number that popped up anyways. Why? Because I obsess on such matters, I can't just let it go. Oh no! Setting this call in motion, I was given the run-around. Each phone number that I dialed gave me a new phone number to call like the heads of Hydra.This happened six times. I was not going to give up, even though this run-around now equaled the frustration of the incident itself, even though I was now nowhere near any physical peril. It truly showed me that this corporation is faceless and nasty. This time it was personal. By the way, my co-workers are wonderful and were concerned for my well being.
When I reached the right person she told me to call the number on the pop can next time. I rarely drink their 'health tonic' to have these cans laying about within reach. It offers no benefit, except for when I need caffeine and there is no coffee around to be had. I have a peculiar admiration for this company, that they have become such a behemoth with such a useless and harmful product. As an apology she told me that she was going to send me two cases of their 'health tonic.' What to do with it? How many nails, coins, and baby teeth can I watch dissolve with that much Coca Cola?
Listen to this man's soothing accent:
The day continued. Checked out a few nasty Youtube comments aimed at my person. Politely replied with my tongue politely planted in cheek. Continued the tasks at hand at my job. Then five o' clock hit. All I wanted was slumber. And once home I got my slumber.Perhaps I could start over when refreshed?
Upon awakening from my nap I thought that it may be best to leave the house and be social. Everywhere, at each new place that I approached, were grim reminders. I saw a woman who would have dated me if I wasn't too old for her: hey, at least she was honest. A sweet gal. (age disparity is another topic for another time) A few 'fine, don't say hi' kind of women speckled here and there and if they did ask how I was after my "Hi, how are you?", they didn't wait for a response. They don't matter. A woman who had invited me to a gallery opening last week but wouldn't send another message telling me where it was- did she avoid my eye contact on the street? Two maybe three women who I had been on dates with and nothing had happened then dissipation. Why? I don't know. Including a woman who felt terrible about not returning my phone call or calls, it was either one or two before I gave up.
I had to get out of the final destination even though I was amongst wonderful friends. Perhaps if all of these reminders hadn't come at me I could have enjoyed the company of wonderful friends and not gotten all hung up. One wonderful friend told me how he has confidence in some areas and lacks confidence in others. I relate. Must simultaneously balance and up the humility and confidence levels.
I wandered to another place where a gorgeous woman who did not want to trade contact info approached me. We coyly sparred while a female friend looked on and rolled her eyes at some of the things I'd say like it was self-sabotage. Hell, maybe it was. I started taking the eye rolls a tad too personally. Home to bed.
This eve was a grim reminder, it said too much about what my romantic life feels like in Toronto. One fraught with rejection (natch, I utterly and conveniently forget some of the good experiences I've had with interesting women, the self-pity machine starts its' hum). I felt- I feel- like there is something wrong with me. I'd love to know what. Or is it the city? Perhaps I wouldn't have felt this way if I hadn't had such bad allergies, almost collided with a truck, experienced such a tidy progression of these women (just one might not have set me off so much). The day before I was all, "Fuggit, my basic needs are met" and then this day, this Friday, set me off and I became trapped within myself. How much of this is ego? Because I've lived a good life, been spoiled, and am an endowed sexual being (oh yes, I have to freely state that), I take umbrage and get in a bit of a huff. Part of it may be loneliness.Yet Thursday I was all "Fuggit, I have a cat." I can't wait to get back to that feeling again. I will soon. Yet I don't want to turn into a monk.
Everyone is so insanely flighty. And I really should not pursue these wretched flighty things. I will no longer pursue (not that I did all that much, I don't get obsessed anymore and have more self-respect than I used to). I will not offer up unless requested. (This didn't stop me from getting all eager and giving my e mail to someone on Sunday though, did it?) I've paid my dues, lived a good life, fallen in love a few times, dated plenty...in other cities than this one: this one where it feels like a sort of curse. Maybe I should be more thankful of the life that I have lived. (it sounds like my romantic life is over, hell, maybe it is...who knows? Last time I felt like that I stepped into a three year committed relationship a mere three months after the last one....more will be revealed...who knows what will happen and who has the atomic bomb?) I have learned a lot about myself these past few months, had to face painful things and do the personal work. And have plenty more to learn: maybe I'm still not ready and maybe that's obvious. If I was a sociopath that wouldn't matter (see: confidence).
On Saturday I go off to a wedding of a friend, an immigrant who once asked me how one can meet people in Toronto. I told him that you don't. He did. He told me that I can bring a date. I go alone.
I recently gave a female friend advice. That men are too scared of approaching women in Toronto for fear of being shut down and that is because women shut men down here. (I coach in generalizations) I told her that if she approaches men she'll do just fine. And also note: if men are shocked by this approach, it might not be rejection, they just need time to absorb the shock, many are oblivious (case in point: I am so oblivious). She'll do fine.
What is my place? I know I must help others where needed, to give people a sense of wonder, to smile at strangers.
But maybe after that I am simply supposed to completely, utterly fuck with people for fun and pleasure. I think I will. I can't take any of these people seriously. There are a lot of people trying to be taken seriously in Toronto (and elsewhere...and anywhere) and it's very hard to take that seriously.
This is better than being guarded, there's enough of that out there.
No comments:
Post a Comment