Friday, October 16, 2015

Canadian Election Poll Results

 Timely election coverage... 
Canadian Election Poll Results
By Robert Dayton
The latest election poll results project that Stephen Harper is in the lead, according to a polling firm run by The Harper Government, with the less comfortable seats going to the other parties to scramble and fight over. However, a recent, more independent (and much more independently minded) poll suggests that Gnah The Conqueror, an eight foot warrior composed of factory outlet carpet samples, is in the lead due to the public being drawn into his combination of fear and cuddliness. That was five minutes ago. Gnah The Conqueror has just fallen slightly in the polls, but don’t worry, he is not in physical pain thanks to his well insulated body. Now a shiny set of keys has quietly nudged up as the preference to run Canada, a country composed of three syllables. I am trying to grab the shiny set of keys for investigative purposes. Just when I get close, the shiny set of keys gets pulled away at the last second. And that’s what it is down to with these predictions: seconds. And even thirds for the more politically hungry.

Where does this election data come from? Many a small child has asked that question while precariously perched on their surrogate Mother’s knee. The projected data is selected from a range of sources including reading tea leaves –switching to decaf in the evening as otherwise they’d be up all night thinking about candidates- as well as select supermarket produce section bump-ins which prove that shoppers unfairly prefer the candidate with the most teeth. Random calculations are made using lots of stuff (ie. time travel scenarios). This data is then professionally analyzed as ‘deeply troubled’ and sent to Vince in Shipping who winks, says “I’m rubber stamping it!” and proceeds to ignore it. Strategic voter sites then use the data with the largest font possible declaring, “STAY INFORMED!”

Update: currently a large soft serve ice cream cone has overtaken the shiny set of keys in the polls. This could change at any moment with the ice cream melting down my arm and summer becoming but a distant memory. Oh wait. Hold that. Thanks. We are receiving conclusive data that over-rides all other data like a monster truck crushing a long row of cars. The victor will be ‘white guy.’ It’s always ‘white guy.’